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Understanding Children’s Grief

A young child’s perception is oriented in the five basic senses. They do not comprehend the concept of death.

  • Children are concrete in their thinking.
  • Children generalize from the specific to the general.
  • Children are repetitive in their grief.
  • Children may regress to a more secure time.
  • Children are physical in their grief.
  • Children grieve cyclically.
  • Children need control.
  • Children grieve as part of a family.

FACTORS AFFECTING GRIEF

  • The age of the survivor and the person who died.
  • The nature of the death -anticipated or unanticipated, violent or natural cause.
  • The relationship between the survivor and the deceased.
  • The survivor’s support system.
  • The emotional and mental health of the individual griever.

POSSIBLE GRIEF REACTIONS IN CHILDREN

Children are unique in their grief responses. Their reactions depend upon many factors including age, personality, their relationship with the deceased, environmental influences, culture, etc. Some grief reactions children may experience include:

  1. Sadness and Loneliness.
  2. Denial -“He will come back. He will. He will.”
  3. Bodily Distress -i.e. tightness in throat or chest, loss of appetite, loss of energy, stomach aches, sleeping problems, headaches, etc. Some may worry they have the same illness/disease the deceased had.
  4. Anger -A normal and healthy grief reaction. Needs to be expressed in appropriate ways. Sometimes anger is directed at the deceased (“Why did you leave me?”), at others (“The doctors killed my brother!”), or at God or self.
  5. Guilt -Children learn early that negative things happen when you are “naughty.” Some children believe that they somehow “caused” the death of a loved one because they misbehaved, they argued with the deceased, etc. Children who may have resented the upcoming birth of a sibling may feel responsible if the baby dies. They need constant reassurance that they are not responsible for the death.
  6. Depression -feeling helpless, lethargic, apathetic, alone, withdrawn.
  7. Assumption of Mannerisms of Deceased -“Do I look like Tommy?” May try to imitate walking or talking patterns of the deceased.
  8. Idealization of Deceased -“Mommy was perfect.” “Daddy would have let me do this.” “Joey was good at everything.!”
  9. Anxiety and Fear -“I feel like Daddy when he died; I have a pain in my chest.” “I hurt my hand. Will it tum into cancer?” “Can I catch Mary’s disease?”
  10. Panic –“Who will take care of me now?” “What if something happens to Mommy now?” “How will we get money to live?” Some children express fears about going to school and leaving a surviving parent alone. Children need constant reassurance that they are loved and will not be abandoned.
  11. Regression -Occasionally some children may regress to younger behavior patterns such as thumb-sucking and bed-wetting.
  12. School Problems -It is not uncommon for children who are grieving to have difficulty concentrating on schoolwork. Some “acting out” behavior may also occur as children attempt to deal with grief, especially anger. A counselor, psychologist, or supportive teacher can be a great asset at this time.

THE THREE TASKS OF GRIEVING FOR CHILDREN

First task: To understand that the person is dead.
Second task: To feel their feelings about the person dying.
Third task: To go on living and loving after the person has died.

FIRST TASK: To understand that the person is dead. (This is a thinking process.)

  1. Children want to know what happened. They need honest, direct, factual information in order to understand that the person is dead. Curiosity and speculation about the facts of the death are healthy parts of the process.
  2. The word “dead” is an abstract concept that takes time to understand, especially for children. They will use the word “dead” long before they grasp the meaning.
  3. Impermanence of death doesn’t have a tangible meaning. Children often feel that the person who died is gone temporarily. There is a lag time between hearing the word “dead” and feeling the feelings about the person being gone. The younger the thinking ability, the longer the lag time.
  4. The grieving process is cyclical. Children re-grieve on a daily, monthly and yearly basis as well as throughout their lives.
  5. Children over-generalize a concept first (if dad died in the hospital, all people who go to the hospital will die), then accommodate (some people die in hospitals, some people get well).
  6. Death data bank is drawn on. Children’s concepts about death too often come from their death data bank of television, rock music, dead animals along the road, etc. The human experience of death is not easily spoken by adults to children. We must add our contributions as adults to their death data bank with open conversation about death as a part of life.

WHAT HELPS?

  1. Circle time, family talking time. Have a telling ritual where family members can tell what has happened, the stories about the death, the memories …
  2. Listening when they want to talk and respecting their silence.
  3. It is valuable for children to be included in the dying process. Let them make choices about how much to be involved in the illness, death, the viewing and memorial of a loved one.
  4. Repetition helps. Answer questions over and over for children. Keep the focus on what the child wants to hear.
  5. Tell the truth. Involve them honestly in the process at the hospital, the viewing, the funeral, the cemetery, if they choose. Use correct language such as the word “dead”.
  6. Children learn from adults. It is appropriate and helpful for children to witness and be included in an adult’s grieving, but not to become a major caregiver for an adult.

SECOND TASK: To feel the feelings about the person dying. (This is a feeling or an affective process)

  1. Absence. Grief becomes a feeling in our bodies of the “goneness” of the person who died.
  2. Grief is a wound to our psyche. We as human beings have an innate ability to heal our psychic wounds as we do our physical wounds.
  3. Grief is physical. Sweating, crying, sleeplessness, sleeping, eating, not eating; grief needs physical outlets: crying, safe yelling, safe hitting, walking, running, cleaning, singing, etc.
  4. Movement and play is the language of grief for children. This language is full of symbols and metaphors about their feelings .
  5. Defenses. Sharing feelings can be difficult and scary. It’s normal to hide our feelings after a death. We use defenses to hide our feelings.
    DEFENSES BEHAVIOR MEANING
    Combative/Acting Out Showing a display of power Hiding powerlessness
    Overachieving “Trying” to be good Feeling “bad” or responsible for the death. Hiding powerlessness.
    Withdrawal Quiet, unproductive Expressing powerlessness.

     

  6. Children often feel responsible for the death in some way. They may feel guilty for not trying harder to stop a bad thing from happening. This is a child’s natural and unrealistic sense of their own power.

WHAT HELPS?

  1. Listening, accepting, and caring helps children express their grieving feelings.
  2. Encouraging safe, physical expression like sports, active play and safe release of anger.
  3. Reflecting back to the child what they are doing in language and play, rather than asking questions, giving interpretations or advice.
  4. Lowering expectations. Grief takes tremendous physical and emotional energy. It will take time to return to normal standards of performance.
  5. Reassuring the child of the facts that show they could not have prevented the death. Then if they still insist, listen attentively, love them, and understand that they are struggling with feelings of responsibility.
  6. Referring for therapy. If the child’s grief behavior is creating more negative
    events which will further drain his/her coping abilities we may recommend therapy . . Management first, support later.

THIRD TASK: To go on living and loving after the person has died. (This is a faith process)

  1. There are many different ways of coming to terms with the death:

    For children/adults “it never happened.” The person who died is still “alive” for the one who grieves.

    Children/adults try to “get over it” by using philosophical, religious or rational techniques.

    Children/adults try to “fill the hole” that is left by the death of someone close with other activities, and/or relationships.

    Children/adults learn over time to “live with it.” The person who died is still a part of their lives in memories. The death is a part of who they are as they go on living.

  2. When we begin to heal, we move from the “why did it happen” question to the “what can I do now: question, to the “how am I going to do it” question.
  3. Sometimes, someone who is grieving truly enjoys life and then feels guilty and disloyal to the dead one. Encourage children and adults to take “time-out” from grief. This revives energy for the other times when they are consumed with hard feelings.

WHAT HELPS?

  1. Believe in the return to wellness for a child and family even when they cannot.
  2. Celebrate and honor the steps they take towards healing.
  3. Be aware of our own grief as helpers and our own need for support.
  4. Allow for “time out” from grief.
  5. To avoid feeling the feelings kids may:
    act out
    withdraw
    overachieve

Grief is Never Done