When it comes to camp romance, if ‘How do I love thee?’ is the question, there’s only one answer: with supervision.
Three kinds of romance occur at children’s camps: romance between campers, between staff members, and, sometimes, according to camp directors, even between campers and counselors. Each situation requires a different approach if order is to be maintained.
But most camp directors view romance between campers as a fact of camp life. They agree that it would not be possible — nor fair — to prohibit such activity.
Love ’em and leave ’em
“Often these are the fondest memories of camp,” says Jim Rice, director of Camp Shankitunk, a 4-H affiliate of the co-op extension of Cornell University in Ithica, N.Y. “Camp is a great place to experiment. Many kids start relationships in the summer and then it’s over when they go home. It’s a great learning experience — it’s what camp is all about. ”
Charlie Hoeveler, director of U.S. Sports development in Kentfield, Calif. — which oversees more than 120 sports camps — even believes that camper romances should be encouraged.
“They meet at camp, they leave and they write for a while. Then it’s over. It’s not problem; in fact it’s sort of cute.” Hoeveler says.
When preteen or teenage boys and girls get together, it’s sometimes hard to keep them apart. “Their little hormones are going,” says Lisa Koenecke, program director at Edwards YMCA Camp and Conference Center in East Troy, Wis. “They’ll get their friends together and try to hook them up,” she adds. Koenecke says it’s common for matchmakers to conspire to put the intended couple on the same sports team.
For many kids, camp is the first time and place where they feel truly comfortable being with other kids of the opposite sex. Gender barriers fade when they’re participating in the same activities, supporting each other, sharing stories, eating together, singing, and dancing. It may be that the camp environment is one that naturally opens them up to this vast, exciting world of boyfriends and girlfriends.
And if the relationship is a tame one, Keonecke says she doesn’t mind. “We don’t have a problem with catching them smooching.” But, most camp directors agree that practical limits should be set. For instance, if campers start to disobey basic camp rules in order to visit their objets d’amour, it’s time to take action.
“We have girls’ dorms and boys’ dorms, and never the twain shall meet.” Hoeveler says. “At night, kids try to sneak out — it’s like guerrilla warfare. But if we find out, they’re gone the next day.”
When a pair spoils the bunch
In certain settings, romantic camper relationships may not be appropriate at all. At Awesome Adventures by the Mountain Workshop, originating in Ridgefield, Conn., trip leader Jane Patten impresses upon her counselors and campers that pairing off is almost never OK. “Creating a very close friendship with exclusion of others defeats the whole purpose,” Patten says, referring to one of the camp’s essential goals — teamwork. Groups are made up of about 13 kids who must rely on each other to contribute equally to the trip’s success. If two members separate themselves, it weakens the rest of the group. “We stress that boys and girls aren’t treated differently,” Patten says. “Everyone is treated the same.”
Because her counselors’ average age is in the mid-30s, Patten can almost always depend on them to enforce this sense of unity, although it sometimes turns them into the Love Police.
Patten recognizes that love can sneak up quickly on unsuspecting teens, but she asks them to suppress any action on their feelings. Rather than waiting until a situation arises, the leaders discuss their expectations with campers early on. Each day includes a time for group discussion, which often leads to the topic of relationships.
Patten has never had anyone say openly that they disagree with the terms, but sometimes the leaders need to talk privately with certain campers. “If it was really extreme,” she says, “we’d send them home.” But this has never happened.
She says the policy has had a positive effect with the friendships that have developed. Outside of camp, some of these friendships can change, but within the camp setting, they don’t. “We’re taking away the social pressure that there is a romantic situation,” she explains. “All along the way they have a lot of choices to make. We just want them to make appropriate ones for camp.”
Forbidden love
One of the biggest problems a camp can face is a romantic involvement between a camper and staff member. “It’s always a temptation. You’re putting high school kids in a position of power.” Hoeveler says. “And some of these campers are very sophisticated, mature, and aggressive.”
Shankitunk’s Rice echoes Hoeveler’s concern. Rice says he gets a fair number of 14-year-olds that look and act startlingly like 17-year-olds. They only way to handle it, he says, is to give absolutely no second chances. “Parents don’t send their kids to camp to get in relationships with counselors. It’s completely out of the question,” Rice says.
At Edwards Camp and Conference Center, the punishment is typical” “If it exists, the counselor’s fired.” Koenecke explains, “We tell them, ‘Don’t even think about it'” But it happens more frequently than many camp directors might admit, or even know.
About 15 years ago, on the last night of camp, Hoeveler says, a camper snuck out and spent the night with the assistant director. The two were found out, and the problem was exacerbated when the camper’s father, an attorney, threatened to sue U.S. Sports “to the wall.”
“We are a strictly-run camp, so this was a shock,” Hoeveler explains. “Of course we fired the AD immediately. So the father gave us a break. He says we responded the right way.”
Since then the rules have gotten stricter, and Hoeveler even changed the camp schedule to help avoid a recurrence. “Everyone used to leave on Saturday morning, so the Friday night before became a free-for-all” he explains. Now the sessions end on Friday night, meaning the last night at camp follows a full day of activities, significantly reducing their late-night, romantic escapades.
If a camper simply has a crush on a counselor, the situation can usually be diffused. But Koenecke warns against ignoring it. “It’s serious to that 14-year-old, so don’t treat it as just puppy love that doesn’t mean anything.” She will always have someone talk to the camper and will sometimes say that the counselor in question already has a boyfriend or girlfriend at home. If it’s necessary, Koenecke will have another counselor fill in at an activity where the camper is present. “Just be everywhere and know everything and deal with situations immediately,” she concludes.
“Kids naturally want little supervision and few rules. Parents want more rules, more supervision,” Hoeveler says. “I guess the bottom line is that the kids are there not just to have fun but to get a little structure in their lives. Just like any learning experience, without some discipline it can be chaos.”
Camp Romance: When Harry Met Jane
Harry Volker was 19, the nature instructor at Camp Shankitunk; Jane was 17, the crafts shop manager. They were both from New Jersey. The romance that bloomed between them that summer 30 years ago was more than just a fling. “At the end of camp, [the staff] spent four days on the Delaware River,” Harry recalls. “But Jane didn’t go. We realized then how much we missed each other.”
While Harry and Jane were on duty, they were asked to be discreet and refrain from exhibiting outward affection, which Harry confesses was not easy. But Harry says the campers mostly knew anyway.
Happily, Harry and Jane had some duties that brought them together, such as manning the camp store. And they had enough free time to get to know each other, although Harry says they had to make some sacrifices. “There were evening times where we wouldn’t go to the campwide activity.” Instead, they cozied up in the lounge dancing to popular records — Pat Boone and Perry Como. “Or we’d sneak back into the dining hall and eat some of the cook’s cherry buckle,” Harry says with a slightly guilty laugh.
After camp ended, Harry was off to Iowa for his sophomore year at Central University. Jane returned to New Jersey for her freshman year at Rutgers University. “I didn’t know how the relationship would hold up in that amount of time,” Harry says. They spent a lot of money on the phone. “It was the best and worst three years of our lives,” he says. “It showed our love was growing.”
Two weeks after Harry graduated, he and Jane were married. Harry worked as a naturalist near Rutgers, while Jane commuted for her senior year. They both eventually became teachers and later developed a honey-making business, which sometimes takes Harry around the world to teach beekeeping. They have two children now, Steve, 25, and Marla, 18. Harry says, “It was meant to be, I definitely feel that.”
Relationships within the ranks
Staff relationships are sometimes a more complex issue. One of the consequences of this kind of counselor bonding is the rumor that accompany it. “[The counselors] are here for the kids,” Koenecke says. And the kids aren’t at camp to gossip all day. If a couple experiences a love spat, and then they have to work together, it affects the kids, she adds.
“You have to ask your staff to define the team that they’re building with the campers,” says Bob telleen, associate director for camping in the program development division of the YMCA of the USA. “And ask them what a one-to-one relationship does to that teamwork. What it does is totally separate two involved counselors from the rest of the group.”
The YMCA relationship training now covers everything from camper relationships to same-sex counselor relationships. The YMCA also has guidelines, a “camp community operating agreement,” that is signed by the entire staff. Part of the agreement requires staff to refrain from any intimacy while on camp grounds, including hand-holding and discussing their personal relationships around campers.
Still, as much as you can discourage it, these things are bound to happen. “They’re 17-, 18-, 19-year-olds — what do you expect?” Rice says. So be prepared to set limits with staff romance too.
“It can be a tough balance in communication.” Hoeveler admits. He realizes the struggle between allowing counselors their freedom and exhibiting proper authority and control.
For example, counselors have reacted positively to Hoeveler’s night-on, night-off schedule. Counselors can use free time for their personal lives and then return to work with 100 percent of their attention back on the kids.
Most directors also discourage counselors in love from public displays of affection.
The key to a camp’s counselor relationship policy, Hoveveler advises, is setting a tough standard at the outset, then making small concessions as the camp season proceeds.
“If you start out loosey-goosey on these things, you can run into some real problems — operational and legal.” To stay ahead of the game, all U.S. Sports camps hold a session during orientation that lays down the camp’s strict written and unwritten guidelines for summer romance. Although the details of any restrictions should reflect your camp philosophy, the bottom line for most camp directors is: “Don’t let it affect the job,” Koenecke explains.
Koenecke’s policy includes prohibiting counselors from entering cabins of the opposite sex at any time. “It’s black and white,” she says.
But there’s a reason that directors like Hoeveler and Rice are a little reluctant to forbid counselor relationships completely: Some of them can develop real staying power.
“My sister married a fellow counselor at our camp,” laughs Rice. “And there have been three other [marriages]. It’s something that’s really fun to watch.”