- Apparent Lack of Feelings
This behavior is a protective mechanism, allowing the child to detach themselves :from the pain in the only way they can - Physiological Changes
Sleeping/eating patterns may be disrupted. - Regressive Behavior
Children return to a sense of protection and security that they experienced at earlier times in their lives. This type of behavior is usually temporary. - “Big Man” or “Big Woman” syndrome
Child attempts to grow up quickly and exhibits adult behavior in an effort to replace the person who has died. - Disorganization and Panic
Inability to concentrate and focus - Explosive Emotions
Behind explosive emotions such as anger, blame, resentment, hatred, terror, rage and jealousy are more primary feelings of helplessness, frustration, fear and hurt caused by the death of a loved one. Adults need to be a supportive stabilizer during these expressions. - Acting-out behavior
Some examples of acting-out behaviors are: temper outbursts, initiating fights, defying authority, rebelling against rules
Adults need to explore what is causing this behavior: Feelings of insecurity, feelings of abandonment, provoking punishment to atone for the death of the loved one, protecting self from future loss (keeping their distance and won’t let anyone get close to them.), a message that they need to grieve and mourn. - Fear
- Guilt and Self blame
- Relief
- Loss and loneliness
Usually occurs when a child finally realizes that the person who died is never coming back. Children may display a lack of interest in themselves or others, a change in appetite and sleeping patterns, nervousness, inability to enjoy life, low self-esteem. - Reconciliation
Child recognizes that life will be different without the presence of the person who died. Behavioral indicators are: return to stable eating/sleeping patterns, renewed sense of well being, sense of release from the person who died, increased ability in thinking and judgment capabilities, increased ability to enjoy life, recognition of the finality of death, establishment of new and healthy relationships.(* These behaviors may be seen more often in the camp setting)
Developmental Guidelines
There are developmental guidelines that may help adults have a general idea of what the child might understand at that developmental level but each child is unique and must be treated as such.
Children 2-5 years
Think death is reversible: people can die and come back to life later.
Believe the dead body continues to function-they continue thinking, seeing, etc.
Believe in magical powers; for example, they can ”will/wish” someone back to life.
May feel some responsibility for death and see death as a punishment.
May have a harder time with feelings of being left out rather than feelings of sadness.
Take our words literally such as “gone to sleep” means “going to bed”, “lost” means “can’t find”.
School-age children 6-12 years
Begin to understand that death is final.
Cannot understand that death happens to everybody.
Feel confused over permanence of death. Characters such as “Bogeyman” make children feel that death is a real person.
May request more detailed and biological explanations.
May feel concerned about security issues such as their own and their parents’ increased vulnerability to death.
Realize the loss of a close relationship with the loved one. Discussion involving readjustment and emotions is helpful.
Express, then hide, their feelings; an on-again, off-again method of grieving.
Teenagers ages 13-19 years
Explore psychological and religious beliefs.
Better understand the finality of death.
Begin to understand their own vulnerability.
Recognize the impact death has on the family.
Can sometimes release emotions related to other existing problems.
Often try to hide their emotions so their friends don’t see them as abnormal or different.
May feel pressure to respond in the same way an adult might respond.
Ways to support children who are grieving
Empathy: being able to recognize a child’s inner most feelings from the child’s point of view.
Be aware of your own experiences with loss and how you have responded to those experiences. Need to be able to separate your needs from the needs of the children you are working with. Rely on other staff to assist you with your own feelings of grief.
The most important factor in how children react to the death is the response of the adults who influence their lives. (Children may suffer more from the loss of parental support/involvement during this time than from the death itself)
Provide a SAFE environment for the child to express their feelings.
Acknowledge their feelings.
Let them know that it is all right to be sad and to cry.
Let them know that the hurt they feel now won’t last forever.
Let them know that their feelings will be accepted, not judged or criticized.
Communicate the following attitudes:
Respect-Treating children as separate persons without being possessive or purposely damaging their self-esteem.
Acceptance -supporting them without judging their behavior
Warmth -a demonstration of personal closeness to the grieving child
Understanding -being aware of your own experiences of loss.
Body Language -80% of what we say is non-verbal
Be aware of:
- Tone of voice
- Eye contact
- Posture
- Facial Gestures
Listen -listen to what the child is telling you.
Allow for the expression of ALL feelings -sometimes it is difficult for adults to recognize that children might be angry (do not allow them to act out these feelings on other children or stafl)
Provide expressive activities so that child can express feelings non-verbally as well as verbally.
Circumstances
-If a former camper has died:
Explain in honest, simple, medical terms/language what happened.
Avoid words that can be confusing for children such as “went to sleep”
Allow for the expression of feelings
Talk about ways that the camper can be remembered/memorialized
-If a sibling has died:
Let the child know that they can talk with you about the death
Allow for the expression of feelings.
Talk about what has helped them during the grieving process.
Explore ways the camper can remember/memorialize their sibling.